It’s that magical time of year again and GUTS is here to give some lovely gift ideas to counteract the gift that keeps on giving; your inflamed bowels.
At GUTS, we have that knack for digestive gift giving that will make your butt hole say “thanks!” instead of “DEAR GOD GET SOME SOFTER TOILET PAPER”, and we want to share it with you!
GIFT NO. 1 – A Squatty Potty
Aw yiss. The Squatty Potty. The true natural, #1 way to go #2. Have you been saying your whole life, “Man, going poo really sucks and feels like a total hassle.” That’s because you’re doing it WRONG you ignorant rube. You were born to squat when you defecate. Your colon kinks and has difficulty passing stuff when you just sit on the toilet. Putting your legs up into a natural squatting angle makes your poo’s come out nice and smooth and can potentially even reduce your risk of colorectal complications later in life. Your buddy with the special bowels will be saying “Wow! My poops feel mad decent! Magical even!” But in the case of a Crohn’s patient, best you can hope for is regularly decent, I guess. We can all dream, right?
Wait, so if I was supposed to be squatting when I poop this whole time, maybe I wouldn’t have gotten such bad bowel problems…? Best not to think about it…
GIFT NO. 2 – A Bidet!
Thought your porcelain throne was already a perfect spot for your private moments? WRONG. Prepare to step your toilet accessory game another level, friends. Stop using so much toilet paper, stop your friends from using so much toilet paper. Do you hate the earth? Stop that. Have a bidet squirt water at your butt. Not only will it make your butt nice and clean without having to do some major handywork down there, it is just civilized. Get your beloved Crohnie a bidet, put your pinky out, and get sophisticated.
GIFT NO. 3 – A Fitbit!
Whether it’s to promote exercise that can help fight the sedentary depression that often washes over your pal, or to help them make those lifestyle changes they’ve been yammering on about, a Fitbit is a great way to have your wrist become your own personal coach. Now they can visually see a metric of just how much they are walking between their desk and the bathroom everyday! Great! Nothing like getting a notification on your phone saying you walked the entire distance of the city of Tokyo, entirely from bathroom trips! What a time to be alive!
GIFT NO. 4 – A Taco Bell Taco 12 Pack!
Lol. Just kidding this is a terrible gift idea. Friends don’t give friends with Inflammatory Bowel Disease Taco Bell. Be reasonable.
GIFT NO.5 – An Artificial Nano-bot Replacement Immune System!
Here it is. The best gift for you fiery gutted friend. This will solve ALL their problems. Just get a sophisticated community of nanobots that run a complex and highly-functioning multi-scale computational model of the human immune system and intestinal mucosa, replacing the need for all those dysfunctional immune cells they have. You just won the holidays! You can pick one up at Amazon for only the small pric-
Oh wait. These don’t exist. Drats.